


High For This

by unfortunate17



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: :D, M/M, it's time we made it liam don't you think?, zayn's always the addict, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2013-12-08
Packaged: 2018-01-04 00:00:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1074597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unfortunate17/pseuds/unfortunate17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is a drug dealer. Liam is his number one customer - and boyfriend. </p><p>"Liam can’t remember the color of Zayn’s eyes…"</p>
            </blockquote>





	High For This

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: drug abuse, slight domestic violence, drug overdose

—

Liam can’t remember the color of Zayn’s eyes. 

He knows they were a sight to behold however, warm and bright and hazel - or maybe brown. But fond and lovely just for him, exactly the way Zayn is until he’s pinching and sliding a bud between his lips, head thrown back until he’s lost in something other than Liam’s body. 

The thing is, if you ask Liam where it began, he couldn’t tell you. He wishes there was more of a story. Some fucked up background or broken family or abuse or some shit. Something other than the idea that he was just fucking stupid and that sometimes the way Zayn reached for the motherland was just fucking appealing.

Curiosity has always killed the cat. 

But Liam knows that what he does is different than what Zayn does. Zayn pawns off power neatly packaged in little containers for green bills and Liam trades his green bills for needles that Zayn makes specially for him.

Sometimes Zayn’s eyes have an unreadable expression when he comes home to find Liam’s pupils dilated wide, smile infectious, and skin nearly buzzing.

Liam thinks and searches for the word.

Zayn gives it to him. 

_Addiction_

_—_

"Babe?"

Liam stumbles out of the back room and into the foyer where Zayn’s hanging up his jacket, sliding his keys and wallet onto the dining room table. “Zayn.”

Zayn’s eyes flit up to his and Liam swears he can see his face harden, “You good?”

Liam smiles with all his teeth because why wouldn’t he be good? This is the best he’s ever fucking been, “Yeah. Yeah, Zayn, I’m _so_  good.”

Zayn steps forward into him and cups his cheeks, rubbing his thumbs across his cheekbones, the skin frail and delicate. There’s a long moment of silence.

"You’re oddly…sharp," Zayn smiles sardonically, "Bet you could cut glass if you wanted."

Liam leans forward into hands and sighs happily, “Love you,” he mutters, “Love you. Love you.  _Love you_.”

Zayn leads him backwards to the couch. It still astonishes Liam a little about how nice Zayn’s apartment is, spacious and large in the nice part of town. For a drug dealer, he does well. 

Liam falls with a huff, legs still shaking with pent up energy as Zayn’s hands rub soothing circles in his hair. “Love you,” he says again and normally he would have closed his eyes, relaxed back into Zayn. But Liam’s rarely normal these days. 

Zayn snorts amusedly but his voice cracks in the middle of his sentence, “Love me or the crack?”

Liam shrugs, “There’s a difference?”

Zayn slides down next to him, curling both his arms around Liam’s waist. HIs breath tickles the side of LIam’s neck. “Dunno, Liam. You tell me if there’s a difference or not.”

Liam shakes his head, mind going a little fuzzy, dose wearing off. His tongue feels heavy, “I love - um.”

Zayn laughs hollowly, “Let’s get you to bed, yeah, babe?”

Liam smiles up at him, eyes drooping a little. HIs heart rate is still through the roof, “Come with me?”

Zayn returns his smile, eyes crinkling, “Course, love.”

And Zayn’s always so careful, making sure not to shuffle Liam too much and wraps a warm arm around his waist when they’re settled. Zayn noses a line against his neck, pausing to drop a kiss to his birthmark. 

Zayn frowns, “Relax, babe.”

Liam hums sleepily, “I am relaxed.” And it’s true, his limbs are loose and heavy, body calm and lovely, though an edge of panicked fear is dripping in the very back of his mind. He frowns at that. Maybe he needed a stronger dose next-time. 

"Are not," Zayn whispers, "I can  _hear_ your heartbeat.”

Liam shrugs, burrowing into Zayn’s warmth, ” ‘s normal though, innit?”

Zayn nearly chokes, “It’s not babe, it’s not. A little maybe - but not this much.”

Liam shrugs again and pouts up at him because why was Zayn trying to wreck his good mood?

Zayn sighs, “Okay, okay. Night. We’ll talk more tomorrow, yeah?”

Liam groans at the words because he knows what’s coming next. Zayn was such a hypocritical shit sometimes. Liam’s sure he’d have left months ago if it wasn’t for how simple Zayn was to manipulate. He was so easy for Liam’s eyes and smile and although a desperation sort of shook his eyes and hands, he always gave in.

"Good night, Zayn," he mutters pointedly . He wants to lose himself to unconsciousness before the irritability and crash catches up to him. 

"Yeah," Zayn whispers back, "Night, Li."

__

"I’m not gonna quit, besides it’s completely hypocritical of you when I see you high off your face as often as I am."

"Liam," Zayn shakes his shoulders. His hands are firm and his eyes are wide, furious, hair mussed in places from both his and Liam’s hands, "Weed is so fucking different from Cocaine, it’s not even funny. Liam," he fumbles with his hands and for minute he looks so young it breaks Liam’s heart, "Liam you’re going to  _die._ And fuck,  _sweetheart_ , I can’t - “ 

Liam snorts. “You sell it to me,” he points out, accusingly. 

Zayn’s clenches his teeth, “Fine,” he grits out, “I’ll cut you off, yeah. Last night was your last - you’re done.”

And Liam tips his head back against the couch and laughs loudly, sides aching as he threads his hands into Zayn’s hair, “You’re such a fucking liar, Malik.”

Zayn looks small and stricken, rubbing circles into Liam’s collarbones, “Liam - Liam,  _please.”_

Liam rolls his eyes, “You give me this talk every other day. It’s losing it’s effect, babe.”

Zayn flinches as if he’s been slapped and steps back, “Fuck you.” He throws one last look at Liam, stomping back towards the bedroom and slams the door shut behind him. 

Liam sighs heavily and reaches for the needle. 

—

It’s only two days later that Liam realizes he needs his next batch. But Zayn’s covering for someone on the other side of town and he’s not going to be home until at least sun down. 

Usually, Zayn just slips Liam what he needs, sometimes taking the money, sometimes not, kissing him on the mouth before disappearing out the door. He doesn’t ever watch Liam take his first hit. 

And Liam always takes a hit - takes so many in fact that Zayn starts to limit the number of needles his leaves him.

Except Zayn’s not here now. 

The thing is, Liam knows everything about Zayn. Especially knows that Zayn likes to hide things in the bottom drawer because he thinks Liam doesn’t know that there’s a bag of white powder behind his clothes.

And Zayn’s not here to stop him. 

—

When Zayn stumbles back into the house, dead on his feet, Liam’s throwing up into the kitchen sink.

"Liam?" And he’s never heard that kind of fear in Zayn’s voice before, the kind of terror that creeps into his vocal cords and snips the two ends, voice to crack like an elastic band. " _Liam_.” 

Liam turns to him, red and blue hazing in his vision, breathing rapid and fast. Zayn rushes up to catch him, leading him back to the couch, swiping off the used needles, and cradling him into his body. 

"Liam?" he asks again hand rubbing his cheek. Liam can see the tears in his eyes, "Liam, babe, how much did you take?"

Liam shrugs but his shoulders feel heavy, “Dunno.” He frowns, blinking rapidly and forcefully, “Can’t really see though. Looks like there’s two of you.”

Zayn gasps in a deep breath, “Okay. Okay. Li I’m gonna get you to the hospital - or - I fucking -  _I can’t_  - ” Liam can feel his chest shaking against his side and the way his knuckles are white in their grip of Liam’s forearms, nails biting into his skin. 

"No," Liam breathes, "I’m fine, I really am. Zayn, I feel great."

“ _Fuck you_ ,” Zayn forces, panicked hands running through his hair, “Okay,” he mutters rapidly, “Okay, _okay_ , shower.  _Now_.” 

He stands, dragging Liam to the bathroom amidst his protests, sets the water on the coldest setting until it feels like ice hitting his skin and unceremoniously shoves Liam in, clothes and all.

Liam hisses, gasping. It sort of feels like a hammer being thrown into his head and wrenching his skull apart every other second and he whimpers, black dancing across his vision, “Zayn?”

There’s fumbling behind him for a second and then a cold body pressing him further into the spray. Liam realizes with a start that Zayn’s climbed in behind him, ice cubes in his hands, pressing them down Liam’s shirt. 

Zayn’s gasping warm tears on Liam’s neck and Liam’s watching the drain swallow down the water poring off their bodies. Rhythmic, steady, and slow.  

There’s a long moment of silence.

Zayn presses his fingers into Liam’s neck, mouthing at his birthmark. He hums in satisfaction and obvious relief, “Heart-rate’s down.”

Liam blinks, painfully normal and sober, “My high’s gone.”

Zayn steps away from him and gets out of the shower, dripping water everywhere on the tiled flooring, “Finish up in here, yeah - don’t turn the water any warmer.”

He looks down at his dripping clothes and shoves his hair out of his eyes. He turns to the door, but he’s only taken a few steps when he’s surging back inside, pressing Liam into the shower wall and licking into his mouth. 

"Fuck you," Zayn mutters again, hands gripping any piece of Liam’s skin he can get his hands on, "Don’t you dare fucking do that again. Fuck you straight to hell."

Liam pushes him off, breathing hard, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

Zayn makes a low sound in the back of his throat and he’s blindingly angry. He crushes Liam against the shower wall, “Liam - ” he says dangerously through clenched teeth.

Liam turns his head to the side, “Shut up.” 

And looking back, he’s not sure what possess him to do it, but he does do it. Before he realizes he’s reeling an arm back, landing a brutal punch to Liam’s cheekbone that’s perfectly on display for him. His knuckles crack on impact. 

The sound is nothing compared to the look on Liam’s face. 

Zayn steps back, horrified, falling over his feet, out of the shower, and banging into the sink counter. “Fuck,” he breathes, “Fuck, babe, I didn’t mean - Liam, Liam  _I love you,_ yeah. That’s. It wasn’t. I’d _never_  - “

Liam raises his hand to his face gingerly and he knows without a doubt, especially from the way his face is smarting, that he’ll have a mark. He smiles wryly, “You just did.”

And Zayn looks  _lost,_ eyes wildly looking everywhere but Liam, still sagging into the cold shower wall, water spraying into his eyes and mouth. “I’m - Fuck.  _Jaan.”_

Liam snorts, “Get out.”

And Zayn nearly slams the door shut on his hand in an effort to do so.

—

Zayn’s very quiet when Liam steps out of the shower. He’s very quiet when Liam dresses silently and curls under the bedsheets. He’s very quiet when Liam’s sobs echo through the room.

He stands at the edge of the room and it’s only then that he realizes that he’s fighting for so much more than his control.

"Liam?"

Liam turns around to face him, purple dotting one side of his face, “Yeah?”

Zayn flinches back at the careless tone, “I’m sorry.”

Liam closes his eyes and turns back into the pillow, “It’s okay.”

"It’s not," Zayn replies automatically, "It’s just - fuck. You don’t know what it was like. Seeing you like that."

"I understand."

Zayn shakes his head, taking a hesitant step into the room, “You shouldn’t have to. But - maybe. You can not shoot again? At least for a couple more days?”

Liam turns around to face him and reaches an arm out to grips Zayn’s. He tugs lightly, pulling Zayn onto the bed, waits patiently as Zayn slides under the over. He doesn’t speak again until Zayn’s situated, “You know I can’t do that.”

Zayn leaves a good foot of distance between them. He eyes the bruise, something twisting in his stomach, “I know you can try.”

Liam swallows, “I don’t want to try. I want to be happy. Let me be happy, Zayn. If you love me, you’ll let me be happy.”

"Babe," Zayn’s voice cracks and he reaches a hand out to brush over the purple mark on Liam’s temple, "Don’t  _I_  make you happy anymore?”

Zayn’s insides feel like they’ve been inlaid with ice as he watches Liam drop his head into the pillow. His voice is muffled by the pillow when he speaks next, ”I love you.”

Zayn smiles sardonically, “Love me or the crack?”

"Same difference."

—

Zayn stops taking his money. And stops leaving him Cocaine on the coffee table. 

Liam lasts twenty-three hours before the itch and burn becomes too much and he’s confronting Zayn furiously. There is a part of him that’s shocked by his dependency - maybe Zayn did have the right word. ( _Addiction_ ). 

"Zayn," Liam mutters and Zayn’s hand freezes on the doorknob. He’s just about to leave to do another round and Liam’s determined not to let him walk out the door without at least one needle in his hand.

"What?"

"I love you."

Zayn’s shoulders tense up further, “I love you more.”

Liam huffs sarcastically, “Then why don’t you want me to be happy, Zayn?”

Zayn turns around at his words, stalking back to meet him half way. They’re standing face to face in the living room and something feels like an ending. “I do want you to be happy,” Zayn replies slowly, “I want you to be  _so happy_. And I want you to laugh and smile and be _healthy_. And - fuck, Li - I want you to love  _me.”_

Liam makes an aborted noise, “I do love you. I stayed clean this long, didn’t I?”

Zayn smiles softly, chin quivering as he reaches forward to touch the deep purple bags under Liam’s eyes, “You’re so beautiful,” he says instead, running his hands down Liam’s chest, “I mean - before you were stronger, more athletic - but you were still just as beautiful.” Zayn shakes his head, “Liam, you were the single most amazing person I’d ever met and I wish you never came home with me that night.”

The silence is deafening. 

Zayn continues softly. “I ruined your life,” he whispers.

"You make me happy," Liam corrects. 

"I don’t," Zayn murmurs back, "I’ve never made you happy. But those little needles I’ve sold you? They’ve always made you so happy and I wish sometimes that I didn’t have any more of them. I wish that I could stop giving them to you. But I  _can’t.”_

Liam’s fingers reach up to cup his face, but Zayn shakes free, “Because if I stop, you’re going to  _leave_.”

"It’s ok to be selfish," Liam reminds him quietly and Zayn swears he can see a flash of that blushing, stumbling boy that Zayn got high in the back the club and then dragged back home. Zayn remembers the way he’d gripped Liam’s hair, fucked him slowly, and relished the fact that the only thing on Liam’s lips was his name. 

"Liam," Zayn takes a deep breath, " _Jaan,_ please. Please  _stop_.”

Liam groans loudly, “Not again, Zayn. C’mon. Let it go, yeah. I’m not gonna stop and I think that if you loved me, you’d support my choices and not nag me about the way I chose to live my life.”

Zayn grips his shoulders, pushing him down onto the couch, “Two nights ago, I came home to you fucking  _poisoned._ Liam, I can’t lose you. I just  _can’t._ ”

Liam pushes his hands off, “You’re losing me by fucking lecturing me all the time. Let it go, Zayn. You love me. I love you.” He makes a frustrated noise, “Why isn’t that  _enough_  for you.”

Zayn smirks down at the floor to hide clears his throat in an effort to swallow the lump lodged in his vocal chords. He fails, “Love me or the crack?”

Liam makes a noise in the back of his throat and stalks to the door, “Fuck off, Zayn. You’re such an insecure little bitch.”

Zayn flinches, “ _Leeyum_.”

Liam shakes his head, “Forget it. You and I. We’re just. This isn’t going to work.”

The words turn to white noise in the back of Zayn’s mind, ear-drums collapsing into themselves. He takes an unsteady step towards Liam, “Babe,” he whispers, “I -.” He closes his eyes and debates for a moment, but comes up with nothing. Either side is too precious to lose and too impossible to give up on, “I can’t let you. I can’t  _watch this anymore._ I - fuck, I will be _anything_  you want me to but I can’t. Liam, I’m your  _boyfriend_ , not your  _dealer._ ”

Liam shrugs, “Like I said, we’re not. This had to end someday, Zayn.”

Zayn closes his eyes, “Thought you loved me.”

"I do," Liam mutters, "I mean - I did. And then you just. Changed. Became this paranoid little - this isn’t you."

"You’re breaking up with me because I don’t let you shoot crack," Zayn clears up his words, nodding to himself, "Got it."

Liam shakes his head and being the ever polite person he is, steps forward into Zayn’s space and pulls him close, “I really do love you. We’re just not right for each other.”

Zayn brings his hands up and around Liam’s waist, “Should’ve never got you high in the first place.”

And Liam’s eyes are so sad then and Zayn gets his first glimpse at the torn capillaries under Liam’s skin, the blackened blood his heart beats, “Maybe you shouldn’t have,” he admits. He frowns to himself, “Guess, I deserved that punch to be honest.”

Zayn doesn’t say anything back, counting the grains in the wood beneath his feet.

"Well," Liam straightens, "No use dwelling on the past."

"You’ll never get half-priced Cocaine off anyone else," Zayn says instead, quickly and quietly. His last pathetic plea.

Liam eases his hands off his waist, “Got it off you, didn’t I?”

Zayn’s stomach drops to his feet, knife twisting into the lining of his lung, “That’s because I’m a dealer that’s desperately, fucking in love with you.”

Liam shrugs and leans forward to press a soft kiss to the corner of Zayn’s mouth, “And you won’t be the last.” He smiles wryly, “Did I say was beautiful, yeah?”

Zayn laughs breathlessly, choked on heartache, ” ‘Course. Never seen anyone more lovely.”

Liam nods to him and steps back, “Bye Zayn.”

Zayn tips his head and closes his eyes. He never watched Liam take his first hit. And he doesn’t watch Liam walk out the door. He knows Liam’ll send someone round to pick up his things, but he can’t shake the feeling that this is probably the last he’ll ever see of Liam James Payne.

But Liam’s obviously not in on Zayn’s plan because he calls out his name. 

Zayn’s a greedy, selfish bastard so his eyes open on their own accord, tracing the planes of Liam’s drug-muddled body.

There’s an heartbreaking expression on Liam’s face, “Come to the funeral, yeah.

Zayn swallows, ” ‘course.”

And Zayn still doesn’t know if Liam loves him or the crack. 

But maybe it’s better this way.

—

_"Hey, babe," Zayn mutters, slickly tracing Liam’s mouth with his tongue. His hand is down his pants and he’s never seen a more beautiful sight in this world. He doesn’t think he’d rather be anywhere other than a locked bathroom in a dingy club with this boy and his wide, wide, wide eyes._

_"Hi," Liam breathes back, biting his lips. His eyes are hazy with pleasure and Zayn feels a thrill go up his back._

_He leans forward and sucks his earlobe into his mouth, biting down gently, “You wanna come home with me, Liam? I’ll make you feel so good, baby. We can do whatever you like.”_

_Liam hesitates, eyes flicking to the door and Zayn bites his neck to distract him from the idea of fleeing. Liam moans, “Okay. Okay, fuck, Zayn. Course.”_

_Zayn hums, muttering against his neck, “That’s fucking ace, babe. Made the right choice, Liam. But, first,” he reaches into his pocket, needle pressed into his palm, “Got something for you. Gonna make you feel so happy.”_

_Liam leans forward to kiss him sloppily before Zayn slides back to press the needle into the crook of Liam’s left elbow. Liam looks down hesitantly, eyes wide, “Is that? Zayn, that’s a -“_

_Zayn shushes him, “You’re ok with this, right babe? It’ll make you feel so good.”_

_Liam nods hesitantly and his bottom lip is caught between his teeth when he looks back up at Zayn with that innocent gaze that Zayn swears is going to bring him to his knees. Liam Payne’s going to be the death of him._

_Zayn groans, kissing him again with too much tongue, “Fuck. Gonna ruin you, baby.”_

_"Okay," Liam breathes, already reaching for Zayn’s hands again, "Okay. Okay, why not?"_

_—_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is always appreciated if you wish to give me some :)


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